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My world
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My interpersonal encounters for 2010.
This post is less prim and proper as I would have it so. Join me as I recount the good encounters as well as the bad ones. Reader discretion is advised as I'll illustrate these lovely accounts will utmost accuracy and honesty. I've been working really hard at building a strong rapport with Penny's family, making up for my terrible mistakes. And I'm really glad things are looking up! It's a wonderful human feeling one would desire to have, to be accepted as a family member. It's a warm and comforting feeling, really. I had a rather unpleasant time arguing over something really trivial on facebook (yes, I know!). With Michael Lee, and later Yeo. To be totally honest, I've always thought of Michael Yeo as a really nice guy but not the kind of friend you'll be close to. Because I didn't felt that I was to him so I kept my distance. And it was strange because I also felt that Jerome was a fragile, dangling line that kept us as friends since junior college. Like without Jerome, we wouldn't really hang out - much less talk about anything near our heart at all. But nonetheless, he is a nice chap. A whole lot nicer than Lee. Lee, however, has quite the class bully persona who picks on the small guys, poking fun at the dorks and stuff - you know, that sort. He was an arrogant guy, anyone could tell - by Yeo would like to believe that it was just his pride to be blamed, while I'd say that he lacks an important respect for others, not just his friends. He has a condescending attitude towards my religion and that I cannot condone. So this time, I'd posted something like: Values education is more important than just academic education, especially in university. Something like that, and we got into a whole heated argument. Well I thought I had the prerogative to post whatever I like on my wall and yes I also agree that it was just foolish for us to be arguing over something like that on facebook. But I guess our so-called friendship had to end there, because we have never see eye-to-eye with each other. What I find the most pitiful of all, was Yeo's involvement. Like why did he have to butt in with his two cents' worth? It wasn't the first time that he had done something like that for his lovely friend, Lee. I think if anyone should place his loyalty on a friend, that friend must be one who deserves it. Maybe I'm not worth it because I'm not in their league. Maybe I'm just ostracised for my humble background and my lack of an appreciation for the 'high' culture. But let's get this straight: at least I know as a matter of fact, I am 21 and financially independent. Friends come and go, so I'd say it's a kind of good riddance when I'm done. Here comes the good part. It's always exciting to meet new people and make friends. So tonight I'm really glad that Penny and I had a really wonderful dinner with Genevieve and Jiarong. I'm rather good at reading people so I could tell that Jiarong is a really, really nice guy. He's reliable, responsible and the kind you would love to have around. So I'm happy for Gen, because her former boyfriends were far from desirable. Which also explains why they've been together for 2 years plus. After tonight, I really yearn for us to be good friends. Yet, I'm always wondering if feelings were mutual. For if one were to advance too aggressively, the further might be the distance between the two. So I'm hoping that we could become close friends in future. I had also the good fortune to meet great people during my short stint at Chung Cheng. Jessie and all the other ladies at work were really pleasant people to work with. Everyday was a day to look forward to, apart from the fantastic working hours and salary. And I do miss the lovely people there. Hope things are going well there! We've come a long way now, and it'll be our 4th anniversary next March. Penny and I have been through thousands of squabbles, ups and downs, and we have emerged even more and deeply in love. For two persons to be together for so long, we have formed many unspoken symbols and the bond is simply incredible. We can even communicate with our eyes. But of course, it hasn't been that smooth-sailing but our relationship is one that is constantly growing, building on and on. Penny is my best friend and I confide in her most. She's the only one who holds most of my dirty little secrets and she's always there for me. It does seem most likely that I'd be marrying her. Haha but her mom remains adamant about lowering her expectations about us - my conjecture would be that she fears disappointment in any event that we won't end up together. Whatever it is, Penny is my sanctuary and I'll always look to her when in doubt. To me, it's been my good fortune to have her exclusively by my side all this while. Thank you, baby. I love you! Jingsheng! I didn't just meet him this year, but definitely got to know him a lot more. I've always knew about his conscientious and devotion towards his endeavours. But during Vivant, I got a taste of his admirable personality. He's always reliable in that you can always count on him for anything. He's not a Superman, but man enough to be there to help. My guess is that he will be an important asset to Singapore's future medicine and he'll make an excellent doctor. I enjoy every single moment of discussion with him and certainly look forward to more of such treasured moments. He's the sort of friend who makes me feel like I've known him for a long time though we hardly have the opportunities to meet up often. He's the sort you would want to befriend lifetimes after lifetimes. Yuan Rui has been a great buddy since BMT. His optimism is infectious and his demeanour lightens you up almost immediately. I'm glad our friendship took an army hiatus and living near each other certainly helped. Unlike Kenneth, an almost childhood friend, Yuan Rui takes the initiative to meet up at least. Kenneth is just strange. He'd just disappeared without a trace and I found myself one less supper buddy(good news if I want to slim down). I guess proximity sometimes makes a huge difference. Being my neighbour for the past decade or so, he moved several blocks away and so did our friendship. Strange, isn't it. YOG was an unforgettable experience too. At least I got to know Pnelope and Vanessa better. And got to know many new people. I guess the deepest impression I left behind in people's minds was one of a crazy ninja. Though my rope dart stint ended with YOG, I still feel the desire to continue exploring what it seemed at the time, my new found talent. But I know rejecting Xyn over and over again will further dampen the chances. And I can't stay 21 forever. dimwit at 12/06/2010 10:34:00 PM Hello again. It's been a while, I know. And this isn't going to be a happy post. I'm feeling rather empty this Lunar New Year. Most of my relatives have made use of this time of the year to fly off and relax. While many of us still grapple with the visitings. Don't get me wrong, I do feel that it's nice to meet up with your relatives once a year. Not when you're the only silly head who thinks so. Maybe I'm just being naive. My cousin was honest when he said the only thing worth looking forward to was the ang bao, while I look on and feel confused. Anna said it's only normal for me to feel this way, just because I'm getting older. Indeed, to actually work with people more than three years younger deals a big blow when you finally realised that you are. But I did feel happy seeing my grandparents still in the pink of health. Or at least Ah Ma was, considering she's still driving at the ripe old age of 80. While touching the wrinkled hand of my grandfather made my eyes water at how much he has aged, and I remembered how he used those hands to hold on to mine. He is 95. And I don't think he remembers me anymore. I was embraced by the spirit of the Lunar New Year at Chung Cheng, so I'd never expected myself to feel this way. Haikel told me to enjoy myself, but here I am thinking and thinking, thinking so much and I can't help it. I can't help to feel the emptiness that I'm feeling, the painful resolve that I'll never let my wife and kids feel this way, ever. Painful because I can't even carry on a conversation with my beloved father for more than five minutes. Painful because I didn't know much about my mom's childhood till yesterday. What have I been doing all these while? I'd thought living on my own expenses would have been the best thing I could do to lessen the burden on my mom, the best way to show that I love her. dimwit at 2/14/2010 10:22:00 PM Happy 2 and a half years anniversary, Baby! dimwit at 9/17/2009 03:32:00 PM I've been busy lately. Feeling terrible for the more often than not medical appointments and other disappearing acts. But I've got little choice. It happens when my time is coming to an end. Haha and I believe I've been a far better upper study than Nicholas Lum. At least I didn't just leave you guys to die. He did. Tim and I aren't going to do that. Count yourselves lucky okay! But Nic was just lucky to have us. At least Tim and I were not that stupid. Haha. I feel quite caught up and dilute with the mundane daily life. And that's because I haven't really been chanting and that tugs at me real hard. A sense of guilt. Plus all the activities that are going on, I find it increasingly difficult to find time for myself to relax and accomplish with. Striking a balance is really a gruelling and uphill task. And it'll only be increasingly harder when I become an undergraduate. Sigh, I need to work harder and enjoy what I do at the same time. I want to realise my dream of having an established business and a 6 to 7 figure salary per annum. Maybe before the age of 40. HAHA. Bye! dimwit at 9/15/2009 10:27:00 PM There's one person who has been by my side to keep me sane throughout my service. This person whom I love so truly and deeply. Whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who had always supported me throughout. She is none other than my big baby, Penny! I love you baby. More than words can ever say. dimwit at 9/06/2009 11:53:00 PM Hello. This is going to be my ORD post. Those who can't tolerate the fact that I'm going to the reserve while you're still serving, please refrain from reading. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, back to my post. I must say that throughout my NS life so far, it has been rather breezy and I have grown from it. Learnt quite a lot from it and I cannot say it's totally a waste of time. And I must thank my good fortune for the countless people who have aided me loads in my experience and allowed me to enjoy my journey and NS. Number 1 person I met in NS is none other than Timothy Yeo Guang Hui. With him, I had a lot less to worry about work because he was always the one doing everything. Sadly, I hardly contributed. Precisely why he deserves CFC more than me. And tongues would wag for me more than they would for him. Congrats, Tim! I believe we worked very well in tandem and no matter what we did, if we did it together, we would do it well. I consider him a wonderful buddy, and it doesn't matter if I were anybody to him. To me, he is a wonderful brother and son. Kind and always going the extra mile for friends. Life would not have been as good without him. I have learnt many things from him, and here I would like to thank him for being there! Especially when I disappeared for 6 weeks! Long story why... Number 2 person is my boss, CPT David! I'd like to thank him for arrowing me and Tim so many things to do! HAHAHA. Okay I have to thank him for teaching us some of the cool things about Excel, Powerpoint and stuff. Things that we won't figure out on our own. Thank him for showing me that there are many things that we could do, if we tried hard enough. A little on the by left part. Simply put, if we insist, there are many things that can actually work out. Thanks for the lovely lunch treats and the wonderful farewell for my 6-weeks-MIA. Thank you for being such a wonderful boss, showing ultimate kindness 80% of the time. All the best to you and your family! Of course there are many more people I'd love to thank but I suddenly felt lazy so I'd probably write more about it the next time. When I'm a lot more free during my leave/off period. One last thing, O-R-D LO! dimwit at 9/06/2009 11:13:00 PM I realised that now that facebook has become so popular, I shouldn't be having friendster as one of links! Even more so for the 'obs days' since it has more or less died with old age. As for highfive, I need to find a link to bring me back. Like the trail of thought Dumbledore has in his Pensieve, I need something to zap me back into it again. It is not the only thing I've lost, too. Friends slowly creeping out of my life, and I know less and less about their lives. Maybe you're right, maybe I really am too caught up with mine. I feel like returning back to Bendemeer, some day. I feel like revisiting those days where I felt relatively happier. At a time when I thought I'd wanted to get out of so badly. And now I know, it's not that bad after all. Years have passed, and I'm nearly done with national service. Can't wait to start reading again. Can't wait to start learning everything else that's not green. Time to get the colours back into my life. dimwit at 9/01/2009 11:09:00 PM How weird. Blogger's html gotten so fuzzy, the moment I decided to write a post. After a long, long time. 20. Is my number. It's a number which indicates a crossroad, that I couldn't spend another decade moving along, skip and slip and worm my way through. Think it's not going to work any longer. There are many people in life whom I care a lot about. Friends or family, I'm ready to give it all. I'll not want to be lacking in the care or concern, only to stretch the extra mile for their ease and comfort. I truly care. I'm not in my own world. Rather, I'm far from mine, too absorbed in others. I need to start chasing after my elusive dreams. So I'd realised a few things. The kind of care and concern may not necessarily be significant to them. So should they see it this way, they wouldn't see so much in me. It does discourage me somehow. Whether or not, how I'm feeling or doing, is worth it. To some, I come with evil schemes up my sleeves and filled with malicious intent, a ripe harvest from my misunderstood breeding. In your eyes, I'm the antagonist. In my eyes, I'm misunderstood. Do I need to seek to be understood correctly? Or should you do the seeking? Or maybe I'm just expecting a blind person to see again. Maybe it's really impossible. Can't wait to start cleaning animal shelters. dimwit at 8/29/2009 11:37:00 PM By the way, I'm officially an SPCA volunteer! YAY! dimwit at 7/21/2009 11:18:00 PM Lately, I kinda realised that I don't really have many friends. Not as many as I think I do. It's been a gruelling task to ask people out for a game or two. Things like that. Some people tell me that it doesn't matter if you have many friends or not. You just need a few good friends. Yet, I beg to differ since these good friends are lost so easily - everything in life is vulnerable, not just life itself. And I kinda gave up looking for any. It's extremely painful for a good friend to write you off over simple, silly mistakes. Mistakes you can easily erase. The only obstacle stands is your pettiness. You are petty. And it is a real pity. It is definitely undeniable that we have put in efforts to seek reconciliation and understanding but obviously, your obstinate and unreasonable behaviour have been displayed, this deems our efforts futile and in vain. Which disgusts me to have stooped low enough, bearing a sincere heart of keeping a good friend by my side. You are officially deemed as someone who is not worthy. Someone far from magnanimous. More easily swayed by the evil insinuations that have plagued your once-thought intelligent mind. It is a pity. The devils by your side are seen more like angels, oblivious to your myopic sight. You have failed to see the good and chose to see more in the bad. Who's truly good to you, who truly cares, these facts you have chosen ignorance and took granted for. We have tried to patch things up cause we saw value in it. Value in the friendship, that is. Looks like they're far from being appreciated. You see, we're unlike those who see friends as minions, whom should altruistically serve only them, treating them like dirt more than mere friends. As friends, we care, we ask about your day, etc. As friends, we lend a listening ear, attempt to comfort and nurse your bruised heart from any misgivings. All these forgotten, unappreciated and taken for granted. Much less, reciprocated. Long live the queen - this is what she expects. Would the queen please ask herself, if she even remembers, that her minions stood by her side, waited and never complained, tried to comfort her but dismissed with awkwardness by sheer coldness? To all these, I know for sure that she will say, 'I did not ask for the treatment'. Neither did we choose to be your gracious minions. It is a pity. I am very disappointed in these people. Utterly. Regretfully. Nonetheless, these words are just mere words with no objective as to even hope for their realisation - or by any fat chance - revolution. They will forever live in the dark and be oblivious to their faults, as they deepen and harden against themselves. When the days come to an end, the conclusion that's left is still, 'I'm right, they are all wrong.' It is a pity. dimwit at 7/21/2009 10:52:00 PM I met up with Anna today and I finally feel the surge of determination to earn my first 10 grand! Now that circumstances have put into motion my ageing ambition, all that pessimism should be transformed into the wonder of endless drive! I need an exciting life again. It's been a while. And even longer with the 2-year sacrifice. My aim is to earn my first 30 grand before August 2010! It's time to prove my worth, to be someone looked upon in awe, rather than any other average Joe roaming the streets. Because I'm not. dimwit at 6/15/2009 05:51:00 PM Sigh. The late nights have popped a lot more pimples and dark eye circles on my face. No more late nights after tonight man. Especially I don't have the privilege to sleep in the next day. And the best part is, I'll be waking up in about less than 4 hours' time! dimwit at 6/08/2009 02:44:00 AM I really want to take this chance to write about my wonderful birthday. Though I actually spent most of the time in Tekong. Baby, I really enjoyed the surprise you had for me. I really, really appreciate the immense efforts you've put in behind the scenes. I love the cake, really. And you took the trouble to journey under the scorching Sun, with your arms sore and bruised, carring so many lovely things. You deserve the biggest hugs and kisses ever! But I really feel very terrible to let you go through so much just to bring all these smiles to me. Even worse when the cake which weighed a tonne, melted in the sweltering heat. Baby, I really feel bad you know. Oh man i love the blue Bloodbrothers bag! You got me that when I said I needed a bag small enough to carry around and big enough to put my stuff. You got me the loveliest bag ever! I love it. Love it to the bits! The letter was a desire. I always loved letters and I still remember what you wrote in there. And now I'm in a writing frenzy. I'm pressed to write you notes, snapshots of the images in my mind and I can barely sleep without writing any. Honey, I love you. Thank you for the greatest birthday ever. (: dimwit at 5/03/2009 01:20:00 AM To my beloved Piggy (2002 - 2009): Dear Piggy, I know you're out there somewhere, in search of a new life. i wish you all the best that may you find a life so good, better than the one we gave you. Piggy, I love you. You were always full of smiles in your adorable grunts, making everyone happy. This is what you were born to do. You were never slow to cheer us up, greet us when we come home, tease us with your funny antics. I love stroking and patting your coat, glad to be part of your life. I'm sorry for the times I screamed at you, hit you and felt angry at you, because I cannot even look at you anymore. I'm sorry for not being by your side in your last moments, not being there to play with you lately. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend. Thank you for being such a good friend and a 'Kai Xin Guo'. Without you, my life would have been so dull. We will miss you dearly, piggy. I will really miss you. I'm sorry for not being there for you. To touch you. To feel you. To close your eyes and see you for the last time. I love you, piggy. Always. Missing you ever so dearly, Bryant. Piggy was not just any other dog, but one I'd really loved. I miss his presence. This house feels so cold and quiet without him. Nothing's ever going to be the same again. dimwit at 4/18/2009 03:05:00 AM Hello world. I'm feeling just a tinsy little bit emotional. And you guessed it. I'm leaving Freedom for a while, far away from my loved ones and friends. Right now it's a queer feeling that can't be defined exactly by mere words. It's the excitement school kids have for the very first day at school. Yet, like a little kid, I just don't wish to say goodbye to mommy. I'm crying my eyes out, wishing that this never would happen. Wishing that they'll just let me off. Everyone would say something like, 'It's just 7 weeks!' 'You won't get to see civilisation for 2 weeks only what.' Yes, you're calling me a whimp. Sigh, maybe I really am. Freedom just means so much to me, huh. Everything doesn't matter at all. All I know very well, is that I'll miss my Baby so terribly. I really can't help feeling my eyes well up, though I lost my tearducts quite some time ago. I can't help feeling worried about her, cause I can't be there to take care of her. Be there for her when she really needs me. Protect her, love her. Or maybe the truth is that I really need her, like how I need air. Back then, every night for me was a struggle to fall asleep. Because I feel so cold, too far from your warmth and comfort. To this, a song rises up from within. Baby, please listen to the song, 'Selfish'. It really describes how I'm feeling. Most of it. Goodnight world. Till next time. Just can't wait for hell to burn over. dimwit at 4/06/2009 12:33:00 AM I will sleep earlier tonight. Promised. I'm going back to Tekong in less than 2 weeks! I think. I'm dreading it so badly. I just don't want to go through all that shit again. Noooooooooo... Beloved Haikel's celebrating his 21st birthday this Thursday! Happy birthday Dad! Hope yan will marry you soon and then I'll get free dental every year! Woohoo! Birthdays are wonderful. Especially when you're spending it with a bunch of guys you may or may not know. And you have to celebrate it on the quiet, lest they find out, you're going to receive a big 'Tau-pok' for your birthday present. And I'm wishing that they won't 'cause I don't think they'll let me off even if I said I have back problems(I really do!). Boss said I could KIV my off too. That's good news. He'll be on course too, and that's better news. Though he has upgraded long bows which can reach us even if he's not physically around. Tried and tested. We were the target boards. Oh man, Sylvia Plath's son just hanged himself! What a tragedy. The entire family is cursed with death and depression. Now it's just left with Freida. I think it's only a matter of time she finds a way to join her family too. It's a real pity, though. I feel like I'm hitting mid-life crisis prematurely. Maybe it's because I'm nearing the 20 mark. Everybody around me is leaving to further their studies, disappearing(or is it me?), and getting far too busy to surface from the subterranean. And I'm getting too caught up thinking how much would I expect to be paid, what kind of car would I be driving, what kind of house would I be living in, would I be able to afford it, would I be debt-free or debt-ridden, if my kids will turn out well, if I would be a good parent to inculcate the best of values, if I could survive the growing intensity of competition, if I would live to enjoy my retirement and if I would die of old age and naturally. Gee, I'm one weird thing. Alright, alright one last thing! Whoa, this kind of thing can't even keep to myself. Expect me to write about it! I don't know why but I really feel that you're becoming prettier each and every day. Increasingly cute in everything that you do. I mean all the small things, too. It's really funny because you've been feeling unwell lately, yet I see you in the way that I do. So much that I try not to say much about it. Because if I do, I'll just keep turning my head telling you the same thing over and over, every second: I love you baby! dimwit at 3/24/2009 11:02:00 PM I think I'm to blame for several things. About you going home so late, so often. You must be real tired. Partly the reason why you fall ill so easily. Apart from that, you have hardly time for your work. To that, I think I have to be more firm and persistent when it comes to nagging. I remember, you don't really like that. All my life I've been doing things last minute, stressed or not, I've always managed to escape. I'm sure my good fortune will soon run out. Yours, too. You see, people don't really care about the process. Something they don't see, they don't care. 'Results in black and white', that's what they only have in mind. Whatever sweat, whatever blood, no results means you're just not good enough. But you are. More than just enough. So we have to show it. Show the world what we're made of. We may not be on top of their world, clad in all white to manifest our purity. All we need to do now is to ensure that our efforts pay off. And not in vain. Confidence wins many games. I'm not an all star student. My humble background would tell you. The only thing I have is the belief that I'm no less a man than those who wear green, black and white. I'm just as good a man as they all are. We were bred to be tempted by the 'Backspace' button on our keyboards. We're too afraid. Afraid that the very sentence we type will not garner a nice little tick at the side of it. We're afraid that our words are not good enough. And so it is. It's time, now to believe in our words. The things we say, and the things we do. Many thanks to great people like Mr. Yew, who once wrote something which made me believe in myself. That my analysis may not be the best, but one of the best. Which I have cultured myself to and will continue to propagate. Believe that every single word you type will hit a chord with the one who reads it. Believe in your arguments, theories and what not, believe that they carry the weight to convince. Don't think twice. Because they can't hear it, they can feel it. There may come a time we just can't think of a solution. Don't. Just try and with a little bit more faith, you'll learn that they'll just keep coming. When you're positive, the world becomes positive with you. As opposed to the theory that opposite poles attract, alike positive minds attract positive occurences - to our favour. All we need is just that one simple thing - faith. Have faith. You are a capable person. Your words tell me that you are. But they also tell me that you're not confident of your solutions. They sound less convincing, simply because you haven't exactly convinced yourself before penning it down. Care less if someone would have exactly the same solution as I do. Care less if other people seem to be smarter - I am, too. In fact, a lot smarter too. Assignments, assignments. We get stressed over them so much. Yet, we can manage it. We have to, in order to achieve big things. Do you wish to achieve big things too? Your mission is to inspire and impart vaulable knowledge and values to students who in turn, will continue your legacy to the next generation and the list goes on. You're more important than you actually think you are. It is my wish that I will be there whenever you need me. But it is also my wish to see you grow stronger each and everyday. Don't tell yourself that you can't. Because you must. Don't stress yourself over that responsibility. Do whatever it takes to catch hold of it. The last thing you want is a panic attack, which will leave you too bruised and battered to carry on. Don't give up. If we wish to enjoy our twilight years ahead, the only way is to work hard for it. Remember, you're not alone. We cannot allow people around us to worry any longer. To think that we're not taking hold. Because we're no longer 13 nor 14. We want to live our lives in a way we deem as the best. We want to provide for our loved ones and let them know that they can count on it. Disappointment is the last thing on their minds. We know what we want, and we're prepared to do whatever it takes to get to the end. Brace yourself for this journey that we choose. As much as we focus on our process, we must show results in black and white. To prove to the world and ourselves that we're not just talking about it. We mean it and we want to lead successful lives in the way we deem it to be. I will step up to ensure that everything will happen the way we want it to. We must once again make daimoku our way of life. Goodnight, my love. Hope my prayers will keep your headache at bay. Keep your spirit up and head high above water. I hope you will feel the strength running through your veins, just like how Popeye feels right after swallowing a whole can of spinach. I love you. dimwit at 3/23/2009 11:23:00 PM Sorry Baby this post came in pretty late. Our 2 years together was a pretty beautiful day, and I received the best cheesecake ever! Made with love which makes me melt the moment I sink my teeth into every bit and pieces. Sweet! I love the part where we sang so many duets together! Though my mandarin sucked so bad, and I embarrassed myself everytime I fumbled, I still loved hearing your lovely voice with mine. And I think some of our duets are really applaudable and record-worthy! And Penny actually gave me an iPod nano! With a customized print at the back which says, 'iBelong to Bryant Love Penny'. I was touched to tears really. But I feel rather sad talking about it now cause I dropped it today into a drain! It really ruined my day so badly. I'm sorry Baby I didn't take good care of it. I should have been careful. Sigh now it's all too late. I think Mr. iPod hates me now. He suffered a chip off his head and some scratches here and there! Man, if I were a girl, I'll be wailing like the witch from L4D! My Penny has been really sweet to me lately(not that she hasn't been all these while okay!) Lovely gifts touch my heart deeply but her presence sweeps me off my feet and blows me over. I must have been the kindest soul in my previous life to have received her as a priceless gift to me! I'm really glad that I'm creeping closer into her social circle. And at least I'm making more friends than enemies now. People from HighFive must be hating me now... Haha. I'm kidding okay. Lovely Haikel will never be mean to me! By the way, I'm not leaving for good. It's been a real long hiatus I know. I'll be back soon! Maybe Vivant '09. If people want me back... But honestly, I get this tingling feeling that I'm losing my 'rar-rar-ness' to old age. See, I can even have something called degenerative disc(an old man's illness, apparently). Damn, I'm really paying back for my youthful face! Haha. Cause people always say you can't have everything in the world. You know, I really think that I don't have much difficulty in getting people to talk to me. But sometimes I feel reclusive. 'All the time, you mean', some will say. I'm really picky now. And I'm growing this can't-be-bothered-attitude. It's really bad I know. But I really can't be bothered now(Duh!) And I think I'm too used to having dialogue with Penny that talking in a group pisses me off cause sometimes I get confused and don't get the kind of attention I would from a single person! Don't laugh hor! Lastly, to my one and only love, my Baby! Haha no matter how much people find it too mushy for their own good, I'll still say this: You will always be my baby! I love you Baby. I just can't wait to get on with the rest of my life with you. With you, I know that it's one of a kind. dimwit at 3/22/2009 11:16:00 PM I don't blog now because I think if I do, it'll be so boring that you'd be yawning your eyes out now. I sense a little bit of degeneration as I stray further and further away from books, but I have no excuse. Almost every day, I drown in the broken english of my beloved boss as I try to correct him. Honestly, I think he might be a little dyslexic given that he always has problems spelling right. Fine, he might have skipped phonics back in his early years but I seriously think there's more than meets the eye. He often spells like in a puzzle-like manner which is not typo-like, I'm sure. Oh well. Anyway, I'm considering if i should apply for the MOE Teaching Award. It'll make me debt-free after university at least. But if I really just wanted to get the free education, I just need more than that desire to last throughout the 4 years of my bond. The deadline for application is the 27th. Sigh. I just received news about my recourse, scheduled on the 6th of April. I'll be well gone till the 22nd of May. I don't think I'll have a happy birthday in Tekong, and I'll be pretty quiet about it, lest people around decide to 'tau pok' me. 2009 doesn't sound good this far. My beloved Penny, I pray that you will be strong when I'm not with you. As much as I wish to. The most desired wish is your happiness. I only look forward to savouring every unforgettable moment I'll have with you, hold you tight throughout the many struggles we'll have. Muster everything you have and keep moving. I love you. The glint in your smile melts my heart. dimwit at 2/07/2009 09:30:00 AM Like the seasons, my life creeps surely towards the cold. My skin feels warm, but my heart not. My tongue tastes the bland snowflakes and they quickly disappears. The numbness settles, as I slowly feel oblivious about the warmth crawling away into the abyss. The blood beneath my skin clots and hardens, like a dam it builds, as the throbbing sinks and floats. My fingers curl as the remaining warmth escapes from my fingertips. The frost nibbles at my toes now, The pain is quickly felt but leaves sooner. The only feeling left in my limbs is the nothingness as I were in inexistence. An existence only quantified by flesh and bones and nothing else. My mind gradually loses control of my breathing as I coughed and wheezed, as if the cold was consuming my age. Yet, age now matters not. The wound is inflicted and mortal. Fatal to a man like me. I can only wait, and think nothing while the pain accompanies me into the oblivion. One way ticket, I thought. Like the season, my life is entering winter. The solstice is here. dimwit at 1/25/2009 07:41:00 PM Well, this post ought to be published on March 12 this year but due to my lazy nature, it never made it. March 12 was a day of celebration, and also a day of farewell to the fine gentlemen and buddies I made during that seemingly long 9 weeks. Yet, I never marched with them on this day, threw my jockey cap like the rest. All I did that day was to prepare goodie bags for all of them. Platoon 4 was made up of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I can name the following people as far as I can remember: Kevin Chow, Loh Wei Quan, Cheong Yuan Rui, Ang You Sian, Dion Lo, Keith Ang, Aidil, Hafiz, Suba, Jack Alvin Hu, Wei Jia, Da Wei, Chen Xing, Zaki and many more. Sorry I can't really recall the rest of you now but I'd like to say that all of you have been there for me one way or another and I cannot show any more appreciation than to dedicate this post to you. Especially for the boys in Section 2. You guys were there to cheer me on whenever I feel like giving up. Your enthusiasm inspires me to press on. And your never-ending care and concern for me, listening to my stories, my painful grumbles. You guys never failed to make me regret not going through thick and thin with you. And you never failed to make me feel happy when I'm down. It has been my honour to have made wonderful friends like you. The only regret that i might have would be to lose contact and forget about you. Thank you each and everyone of you for stepping into my life. Yuan Rui, thank you for tolerating my nonsense and my ill-mannerisms when we were bed buddies. Wei Quan, thank you for the unforgettable conversations we've had over meals and over the short period of time we had. Keith, thanks for being so helpful! I will never forget about how nicely packed my field pack was with your impeccable help! Kevin Chow, thank you so much for keeping me company when I couldn't sleep that night. Thank you for the nice little biscuits which put me to sleep! Your endless enthusiasm and cheerfulness remains carved in my heart. You never failed to smile during field camp! Hafiz, thank you for your jokes! They were not cold but entertaining. We loved your company! Man, I cannot thank enough. My greatest wish would be to have a little gathering with each and everyone of you! Sigh, not sure if it'll ever happen. Hope you guys would be able to read this. You will always be a part of my memories. (: dimwit at 12/23/2008 09:11:00 PM War is always the worst choice chosen. dimwit at 12/18/2008 10:57:00 PM I find it really difficult to find a name for the protagonist of my short story. So he'll be nameless with this title, 'Masculinity in War'. Man adores war. The moment he dons the cloth of his surrounding, he is a warrior. A warcry bellows, and he dances along with the drums of the Howitzers, sprinting through the narrow space between life and death. Rounds riddle through the air, echoing the swirls were the cries of pain. A pain never felt before. A pain worth dying for. That's what he thought. He reckons war as a sojourn with his other half, a reunion - a fulfilled purpose. Glory is in the pain, felt between his muscles and quickly forgotten when victory closes by. The victory is celebrated with the deaths he thought was worth it. In embracing the metal projectiles, it means to have salvaged others. Yet, she laughs only in the dark, in mockery when she asks, 'Is there a cause?'. He falls to his knees, feeling his breath heavy, feeling a sudden warmth in his heart - it bleeds. The pain was extraordinary, unlike what he has seen on screen, unlike what he heard from veterans. He did not want to fall to his side, he did not choose to. But he did. With a loud thud - drowning out the claymore, grenades, artillery shells... He could not hear anything for a moment. He drew his last breath and suddenly heard - the laughter. The feminine cackle of a silhouette behind his closed eyes. It was over. dimwit at 12/18/2008 10:32:00 PM Life has been pretty good lately. Really enjoy myself a lot more now. Plus the fact that I feel a lot better than the past. Hope everything will stay this way. Just now Penny was having issues about my faithfulness and all that. Didn't feel really happy. It's just hard to convince her that I'm true. That she has to realise that a lot of things that I've done and are doing, are meant for her. Not that I do all her bidding but I really want her to know that I really like the way she is. The adorable, bubbly character encased within her beautiful body. I want to let her know that she possess the most beautiful and telling eyes, eyes which I will believe with my life. A lifetime dedication is all I can offer her. I really desire to be with her for as long as life takes me. Some things are really said too much, they're not enough. I guess it's really true. I can't say too much of these sweet things to express my love for her because it's physically insufficient. Yet, I can't say too much as well, simply because if I do, a lovely and forgetful person like her won't remember. I love you, Penny. dimwit at 12/11/2008 09:24:00 PM I miss the happier posts, really. So I shall never post unhappy stuff anymore! I've never talked much about life in the SAF, mainly because there are eyes everywhere and all. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But I've nothing for them to catch me for, they'll probably even quote me somewhere. Haha. I like my job. Especially when there's someone like Tim. Tim's a great guy. Don't think he'll ever get to read this and hope he doesn't, in case he thinks I'm queer. Anyway, we both make a great team. And I like it that way, cause I know it'll be pretty ugly if we were any more than that and that we fall out over a job. Basically, we pretty much work in tandem. Somehow we know what is on each other's minds and believe me, count the number lucky stars for a great co-worker like him. Though Tim may not be all embracing and affectionate, he simply is the best you can find. My superiors are wonderful people and two of the few best bosses in the world! They will never read my blog so I'm not writing to curry favour them. They are understanding and supportive, patient and experienced. My life in camp so far has been one of lessons. Lessons learnt in many different areas. My job allows me to meet people and through this it sharpens my inter-personal skills! And there's so much to maintenance that I'm really having an eye-opener as to what it actually entails. I think I really have benefited from it thus far and it seems to me that it is more relevant than the jobs of many others. It certainly prepares me for the working world. It's one of a kind and I can just keep going on and on about it. At least I don't dread going to work everyday. And I'm so glad I'm running tomorrow! You see, lots of people have been telling me how fat I've become ever since I got posted there. So now I'm going to prove it to everyone that I can slim down! Hehe. Love handles no more! I think I'm starting to appreciate life so much more. It's like waking up from a deep slumber. Just don't want to miss a thing. dimwit at 12/02/2008 11:09:00 PM I sense a surging joy within, something I haven't felt for a long, long time. The feeling like this bestowed upon me melts me. I've felt cold for far too long. And boy am I glad I'm human once again. I feel tremendously ashamed of myself for hurting so many people, foolishly thinking that no one would ever read poor old Bryant's blog. I was so wrong. Especially for writing nasty, devilish words that impaled countless kind hearts. O, what a devil I was! The very forgiveness their generous hearts have offered is indeed cherished and appreciated. Gladly savoured. I never would want a dejavu. All I want now is everybody's happiness. Words I use shall be of a useful power and not mercilessly abused like before. These tears that I have shed serves me well. It does little to purge me of my undoing. But it did make me feel a lot more mature than before. Just one night brought the man out of me. I'm not alone anymore. Now I have so many more lovely souls in my life to die for. Even my colleagues, my superiors, have all been more than a blessing. Take a step back, Bryant. And you'll realise how fortune you are. How fortunate you've been. I'm sorry to have caused more hurt than anything in the world. And I'm ready to not turn back. I'm ready for my future. Our future. dimwit at 12/02/2008 10:55:00 PM Dear love. My soul, my body, my mind, my every part yearns for you. You are a goddess who lightens the very soul encased in me. You are the warmth I yearn for when I'm cold and all alone. You make me feel home with your every touch. You make me think and dream of you whole day long. I think I'm in love with you. So deeply. So madly in love. I'll never get sick of you in my mind, i'll never get sick telling you the three golden words. Because, those three words are said too much - they're not enough. I want to shout out loud to the entire world and whisper softly into your delicate ears that, 'I want to marry you right about now'. I want you to be my lovely wife, mother of my lively kids. I want a happy family with you. For you, I'll give the world to you. For you, I'll give my life to you. For you, I'll do anything to watch you wake up every day, while you watch my lips gesture 'I love you'. Words in our special language. A language only we share. I want to be one with you. Never want to be apart from you. Dear love, I miss you. Dear love, I love you. dimwit at 9/08/2008 07:56:00 PM I'm getting closer and closer to you. So close that I only want to be seen by you. So much that I want to be one with you. That is why only you can see my thoughts and feelings. That is why I only want to be heard by you. You have the winds, the waves, the earthshakes over me. Your single word can send me flying amidst the clouds and the stars, leave me melting in the warmth. I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up. I want to be the first person you'll see everyday. Because your eyes tell me that my day is going to be wonderful. They tell me that my life will be completely wonderful with you being part of it. You are my baby. You are my only love. You are who you are. You are Penny. (: dimwit at 8/15/2008 11:17:00 AM You may say it's just the late hour syndrome. I just can't shake off that feeling that I have no place in your virtual world. That I'm increasingly losing importance, even in this aspect of your life. Your blog is a place where you talk about anything. From the mundane stuff everyday, to issues that are so important to you. Yet I'm hardly ever discussed about, or mentioned. Maybe I'm just being too fussy. Hope I really am. But why, why in the past did you include them so easily in your posts about your everyday? Why the difference? Reading your posts seem to be a reflection of your life. That your life is about the tension before schooling and the enjoyable yet tiring trainings. Where do I then belong, my love? Emotions like that are evoked by the same posts which made you tear and text me silly messages, telling me to take care and be safe. I don't want to read posts dedicated to me when I'm dead. When I'm nothing more than an apparition. I'm not angry, just feeling empty and dejected. Sigh, you're the most important person in my life. Call me silly but, I think I'm slowly giving up everything that were once important to me cause you're taking over - as the one, and only. I'm loving you in every sense of the word. dimwit at 7/26/2008 12:59:00 AM Language is my tool to hurt, to mellow and decide for myself, what is it like to reconcile my heart and mind. I'm the kind of person you'll come to loathe, come to pass this judgement upon me that I'm male chauvinistic, narrow-minded and not entirely embracing the contemporary dreams of our world. I succumb to my hallucination, wild imagination, forgetting all virtues of trust and love. Because I fear betrayal. Yet I am betrayed by the none other - myself. I'm betrayed by the very poison my mind conjure, falling on my knees to beg for the very mercy I don't deserve - the mercy that is non-existent. I burn, turn to ashes. This heap is barren. dimwit at 7/13/2008 05:48:00 PM Stowed away in one corner, lies me. No longer the axis. No longer a sign of living. dimwit at 6/23/2008 09:24:00 PM I'm asian. And I think like one. I feel so much like crying. Not because I'm asian, but because there are so many things I want to change about the past and I can't. I feel helpless. I feel that I'm filled with so much remorse and regret that it pains me. Just having wild thoughts running loose on me could kill. And I have no idea when I could be truly free from this misery of mine. I feel angry with myself, at how I went away and came back all so late. During the time when I was away, so much was lost. The first times were no longer first times. I feel angry at that. But it's not her fault. It's mine. Sigh. You may think that it's something that is not important at all. Something so small that is negligible. But it's not negligible to me. Sigh I wish I was there to kiss you so deeply. To tell you that we belong to each other. That knife in my heart is still there, and will be for a long, long time. dimwit at 5/31/2008 08:25:00 PM Looking at the people around, I can't help but to feel a sense of profound regret for the things that I have not done and for the times I did not put in my best. And it's all too late to look back. It's all too late to feel that I could have achieved what they did. And I feel less like a man day after day. I should have known. dimwit at 5/28/2008 07:18:00 PM I miss my freedom. dimwit at 5/14/2008 10:51:00 PM Dear love, I think about you. And I find myself smiling. Then people start looking at me. They smile too. Baby, you see, you're like a little piece of domino at the very beginning of my life. Everything just falls in place. How the whole world smile after us, seemingly celebrate our union. Our union in this life and many lives after. Touching others' lives and creating value is what we were taught right from the beginning and you have created a value in me. I can only peek into our future. The illuminating orbs tell me that we'll be bright shining gems, leading the many other stars - a beauty never seen before. Our epic union only aligns all that is written - that we were meant to be. Love, I love the times when we're together, where staying silent is just how I savour the joy of being right beside you. Though every second and minute spent with you is gone like the wind. But having felt the wind, even when our skin and bones are eroded away, I'll still remember that we have been together. Forever and we will be. dimwit at 4/02/2008 07:56:00 PM There are some people in my life I'd thought were worth it. Worth my time, effort and love. Kept in my prayers, constantly thought of - my wishful thinking. Now, they've gone on with their lives, thought little of how I've left my little footprints in their lives. But they've left theirs deeply in mine. So deep, no waves could ebb and flow to make it go, no wind could blow to make it go. It seems like I've never been across their paths before. Maybe I never did. So I really wonder, how does Ikeda Sensei do it? dimwit at 3/23/2008 12:09:00 PM I've been zombie-like lately, haven't been able to get my unsettled bum down to do some writing. Life now has been more than just surreal, Boonhan. For me, I often find myself lacking in purpose. And a constant search inside has often led me to a labyrinth I can't get out of. Frustrating as it sounds. The people I can rely on are hardly anywhere near me. Estranged. Detached. Solitude. Anything troubling me are swallowed like sleeping pills. I just try to sleep them away. This side of me is nothing but a stain on the aspiring profile, a facade I try to present. Out with the damned spot! Penny dear, you've been away for far too long. Now I can empathise with how you felt when I was far far away. This sense of loss is just making it even harder for me to fill up the crevices. They just get bigger and bigger, so much so that I'm losing the very essence of me. So much that I'm even doubting the very substance I once believed to have. How now, what substance? I see many of my friends smile, seemingly unbothered by the world. I stubbornly believe that it must be true. That they are truly enjoying the time of their lives - and I'm not. True enough, I've yet to embrace the inevitable fact that the time I'll spend serving my nation would be a time I degenerate. Into the oblivion... Oh how I miss you, dear Penny. dimwit at 3/17/2008 10:55:00 PM Life. The moment our buttocks are slapped and left crying in the new breeze wrapped in cold, we experience and feel, build relations, friendships, make ourselves feel comfortable. This Bintan trip broadened a little bit on the horizon, once again reminded me that we're all different, enjoy different things, and that as much as our paths cross, as much as we'd once enjoy one another's company, we slash and burn, we move on. We abandon what's no longer important, what no longer matters to us. Bonds, are nothing but transient. Separated by personal choices, time, and rainy days. Fair weather friends, we are, get what we want and leave our footprints behind. I have then, gradually become less attached, emotionally to this commodity, will put in whatever emotions as per normal - just sever them once they're done. Former memories have found themselves home, in me. And this home is about time, full. My beloved friends, you can leave it to me. There is nothing to remember, cause I'll take up what's cast away. So whatever you leave as scraps of what's once part of you, I'll possess them. Rag or bone, I'll not leave them forgotten. I'll pass them on to inanimate objects and make-believe them alive. Mould them into physical idols - a part of me. That as you fade into black - and gone - I'll stand alone, and do my term in this lifetime. Walk on, I'll be behind you, you and you. As far as you may go, I'll stay. There may be just another right here. Right, my love? dimwit at 12/10/2007 01:59:00 PM This post is for Boonhan, Wenhan, or Ali. In the event that we've come across each other's lives in a rough, and occasional fashion, I'd like you to know that for some peculiar reason, I do care ever so deeply for a friend like you. Though it may only be a possession of mine, this dignified sense of concern is of various aspects - not purely the fact that I do wish that you'll let go, and come back. The fact that I do consider you as a special friend spells only of a kind of brotherly love. The kind which you would want to have and not let it go. Should I be feeling nostalgic or not, these experiences I've had with you, along with many others will never be forgotten and even if all of us move on, I'll stay put. I'll stay put to guard all these memories and make sure they'll never be forgotten. The desire of wanting so badly for you to be a part of HighFive isn't one to fill in numbers, but one to share. I wanted you to experience everything that I have, have all the wonderful friends that I have. And I've never regretted it. In fact, I think it's one of the very few achievements I have in my life. I'm still journeying through Mitch Albom's the five people you meet in heaven. I'm very certain that I will be one of that five people you'll meet in heaven. Because it just means that the role I play in your life is minute and almost insignificant. I will continue to feel the way that I do. Appreciate everything that you do. And let you know with not the slightest delay that I'll be there whenever you need someone. I may not be that first choice. But myself as a last choice, I'd fain be. Love, Bryant. dimwit at 11/26/2007 12:57:00 PM |
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